01.28.06
“Single Gay Seniors” story in the Express News is helpful
Single gay seniors have a SAGE old time
Monthly dinners at Tropics draw gay widowers and singles
By Phil LaPadula
Friday, January 27, 2006
When Wayne Morris’ partner, Howard Skelly, died in March 1999, the world he had known for 33 years came to a sudden halt.
Morris started to feel disconnected with the friendships he had built during his relationship with Skelly because they mostly spent time with other gay couples.
“They still had their partners, so I felt like they couldn’t understand the depth of my loss,” Morris says.
He wanted to connect with others who had gone through the same ordeal, who suddenly found themselves single again after years in a relationship.
So about two and a half years ago, Morris founded SAGE Men’s Singles Group. The group focuses on establishing friendships and a support network for middle-aged and senior gay men without partners.
SAGE, which stands for Senior Action in a Gay Environment, is a social group for senior gay men and lesbians with about 450 to 500 members in South Florida. SAGE South Florida has groups that cater to men, women’s groups and mixed groups.
Before Morris started his group, SAGE had a mixed singles group that met every month at a straight restaurant.
“But when you have a mixed group, the conversation tends to be very cautious,” Morris says. “I wanted to start a group for men in a gay venue where we could say what we want and be ourselves.”
The SAGE Men’s Singles Group holds dinners at Tropics, a gay restaurant in Wilton Manors, on the fourth Monday of every month. Members of the group wear red T-shirts so that they are easily recognizable. The event typically draws 20 to 30 guys, Morris says. Attendees range in age from their 40s to 80.
“It’s a great way to meet a friend for movie outings or to find a travel companion,” Morris says.
Morris explains that the group is geared to four types of people: men who were in long-term relationships whose partners have died, men who became single again after break-ups, guys who never met Mr. Right, and men who don’t want to meet Mr. Right and prefer to be single.
Morris emphasizes that the group is “not a dating service or match-making service. The emphasis is on establishing friendships,” he says. “People will feel uncomfortable if they think someone is going to hit on them at the gatherings.”
Loss of partner compared with retirement
Morris compares the loss of a partner after a long-term relationship to retirement.
While the loss of a partner brings much more emotional trauma, both situations require a life adjustment, he notes.
“When you start out working, you build a world around your job,” he says. “When you retire, that stops. It’s the same with a long-term partner. When you lose your partner, your world kind of stops. Now you have to build this whole new life with new friendships, activities and support groups.”
Morris worked as a bank officer for years before retiring and starting his own computer teaching business. He ran the computer center on the Queen Elizabeth 2 during two trans-Atlantic crossings.
Morris and his late partner shared a love for traveling. Morris thinks it’ important for people who lose their partners not to give up the things they love just because they are single again. He is still a world traveler. In fact, he just returned from a trip to Scotland and is headed to Australia and Tasmania in February. Then it will be off to Greece in April, Russia in July and Turkey in October.
Newcomers and newly single welcomed
Morris notes that the singles group regularly welcomes newcomers, including those who are newly single or new to South Florida.
Melvin Epstein, who recently decided to come out after 40 years of marriage when his wife died, decided to join the group after noticing the gathering at Tropics.
“I was sitting at a table and saw all of the red shirts,” Epstein says at a recent gathering held Jan. 23.
Morris says newcomers don’t have to be SAGE members to attend.
“You can bring anyone you like,” he says.
Tom, 56, a retired school teacher who did not want to give his last name, has never had a partner.
“I always put the kids and my job first,” Tom says. “Consequently, I’e kept a very low profile in the gay community and never found Mr. Right.”
Morris says it’s important for older gay men to have a support network to deal with the crises that go along with aging.
“Older people walk through minefields every day,” he says. “Even if you are not having a health crisis yourself, you may have friends or family members who are dealing with life-threatening illnesses.”
Morris notes that while younger men may be attracted by the thrill of dating someone who is particularly good-looking or different from themselves in age or life experiences, older gay men tend to be more interested in companionship and support.
“Younger people have more egos built into their relationships,” Morris says. “But as you get older, your needs change and it becomes more about support and sharing.”